F’in NJ Drivers!



February 1 , 2017 | Posted by tlpinter |

F’in NJ Drivers!

(Note: This is a rant I wrote following a car accident I was in on my way home from college.)

Well, whoopty-friggin-do! She let us out of class a whole minute early. I couldn’t believe it. I got so excited I almost wet my pants. Speaking of which, I’ve got a potty emergency here, lets move it people. Woah, hey! Nobody, and I mean nobody cuts me off and gets away with it! Okay, well maybe they get away with it, but I don’t have to like it! *sings along with the radio* What the,  *!*CRASH*!* Owww, hrmm, hey! What’s the road doing facing that way and what is it doing way over there? Awww nuts! Isn’t that nice, everybody is slowing down to look and then driving away. Bastards. “Hello.” Yeah, I’d like a #8 with lemonade, and supersize it. “How’re you doing?” If you need to ask, you probably shouldn’t be a cop anymore. Just saying. “Do you know what happened?” Well, one minute I’m on the road driving home and now I’m not. So, I’m just gonna take a wild guess here and say I was in an accident. “Okay, you had an accident.”  Hey, I’m good. What did I win? “You’re bleeding.”  What tipped you off? No, wait, don’t tell me, it was the streams of blood rolling down my face, wasn’t it? “Oh, the window’s gone.” Nothing gets past you. “This car is in bad shape, might even be totaled.” I didn’t think things could get any worse. I want to thank you for expanding my horizons. Really. “Just stay put.” Oh, I don’t think that will be a problem, sir. I don’t think inverted doors open very well anyway. “Hey.” Oh hello officer, did you bring me my #8? “Lets get you out of this car.” No, lets leave me here. I make a nice lawn ornament. “You have glass in your hair.” Oh yeah? I have glass in my mouth, in my ears and in my underwear. So what’s your point? “Now, if I could just ask you a few questions, how fast were you going?” Well, you see, I like to go 75 mph while everyone else goes 50 mph and just plow right through them. “Do you know how fast she was going?” I’m sorry, I wasn’t using my radar at the time so I was unable to clock her speed. “You are very lucky, with a hit like that to the driver’s side door, you could have been killed.” Yeah well, you’re a great comfort. “Are you okay?” The glass is cutting my rear end, but other than that I’m just peachy. “Do you want to go to the hospital?” No, do you? “If you had hit one of those two telephone poles you wouldn’t be standing here right now.” Okay, not making me feel better. “Well, don’t worry, we’ve spoken to the witnesses, this wasn’t your fault.” I should hope not, I was driving on the correct side of the road. “I don’t know what that woman was thinking.” Well, I’m sure it wasn’t, “Wouldn’t it be fun to drive into on-coming traffic?” “Judging by the damage done to your car, I’m amazed that all you got were a few cuts.” Oh, wait until you see me pull a rabbit out of my pants, now that’s a trick. “Okay, do you want a ride home?” No, I want to walk ten miles home with glass up my butt. “Hehe. Say goodbye to that car, you’ll probably never drive it again.” Haha. Yeah. You’re a real hoot. Dick. THE END