Six years ago I wrote a rant entitled “You Make Me A Better Person”. I wrote it in an attempt to let off steam when a co-worker decided she didn’t like me because she found my interests/hobbies strange (and by strange I mean too intellectual for her tiny little mind), didn’t like the clothes I wore and because we had nothing in common…or perhaps it was simply because she felt threatened by my IQ, which is substantially higher than her own. After a year of her abuse and her failed attempts to get me fired…she quit. And I rejoiced.
Four years later she resurfaced. I was already heading in a different direction, deciding the previous year that my boss was mental midget, an immoral jackass, and incompetent as both a manager and a human being…to say the very least. I was preparing to make my grand exit. But…my plans were foiled. No two week notice. No storming out as I yelled “I quit!” at the top of my lungs. I was, by no means, blindsided by what was coming. I knew. I had an inkling. My spider-sense was tingling. So when he called me into his office to inform me that he would be hiring her back, I smiled and shrugged as I said “Okay.” The look on his face was priceless. His eyes widened. His jaw dropped. He looked both shocked and sullen. His plan had backfired, I didn’t quit like he expected me to. I rejoiced again.
See…he and I hadn’t been getting along for about a year. Now, his version is slightly different from reality. As he tells it, I was insubordinate. That he and I have gotten into “several“ shouting matches…if by “several” he meant “one”, he’d actually be correct. Though, as I recall (and my memory is generally pretty spot on)…I walked into his office to discuss an issue, he immediately started yelling at me and I (naturally) yelled back…but who cares about details, right? I mean, when he said, “My door is always open if you want to discuss anything.” I thought he was being genuine. Little did I know what he actually meant was, “My door is open, but don’t ever come in here and question the decisions I make, even though I say something one day and do the complete opposite the next and when I say I’ll take care of something, what I really mean is, no, I won’t.” Bottom line…I just got sick and tired of his piss poor management skills. His 2 hour lunches. His mental deficiency. His favoritism towards the male employees. His inadequate decision-making abilities. The list goes on. Then he declined my wedding invite. Then I bailed on his lame-ass company Christmas party. Two months later is when he called me into his office.
Now, his plan was to inform me that he hired the girl back…at which point I would give my two week notice and all would be happy. Right? … Wrong! I smiled and responded in a manner he was not quite expecting. I went back to my desk, which at this point was already void of personal items since I had been removing my things slowly over the last few weeks in preparation of my departure.
(Now…why he wanted this girl back so bad is rather mind-boggling. Sure she completed her work quickly…but accurately? Not so much. When she left we found oodles of documents with typographical errors, poor grammar and incorrect punctuation. But what can you expect from someone who says “wrotten” (written) and “boughten” (bought)? Her desire to return is equally mind boggling since she specifically said she was quitting because she couldn’t stand working for our boss.)
The following day my boss took his usual two hour lunch, when he returned I left for lunch, an hour later I came back and sat at my desk and that’s when he called me into his office for the final time. I knew what was coming and smirked as I entered his office. He told me that it was apparent that I wasn’t happy working there and that I would be better suited doing something I loved. I stood there, amazed by his keen observation skills…nah, actually I was amazed it took him so long to catch on to the fact that I hated working for him. He reluctantly handed over a severance check…and I informed him that he was right, I didn’t like working there and had planned to leave soon anyway, at which point he cringed as he realized had he waited a few weeks, he wouldn’t have had to pay me at all. Gosh darn it all to heck! Best part…I was able to collect unemployment, something I wouldn’t have been able to do had I quit. I rejoiced again.
The only thing that still bothers me to this day…why couldn’t he let me go BEFORE my lunch?!? I would have gotten home an hour earlier. =)