(Note: This was a weird rant I wrote during my sophomore year old high school. I had been taken out of gym for a few weeks while undergoing tests on my knees and I was bored. This was pre-Charlie, the “voice in my head”.)
I’m going crazy and I’m not taking any of you with me. Know why? It’s because I’m rad and you’re not. Uh…oh…this isn’t where I left my pants! Terribly sorry…carry on. I’m the one with the one way ticket to insanity and you can’t have it! Nanny nanny nah nah! I love bugs, the crunchy kind, double-dipped in oatmeal and still squirming and I’m using your toothbrush to clean my toilet. Don’t worry, it was this color when I picked it up. Today I felt the urge to walk up to complete strangers and say “Hi!” When they returned the greeting I replied, “Can I have my name sewn into your underwear?” I’ve never been hit so hard before in my life. I wish I were a camel. Well, the truth is….I’m not all that well in the head, but you never would have guessed that cause I act so normal, right? Hey! You better watch how you respond to that cause I might take it the wrong and get it in my head that you don’t like my company…and dat wuld hoit mah feewings. But seriously, my doppelganger is taking over my life. It’s wearing my clothes, stealing my friends and cutting holes in my new tighty whities. I bet I could sit here typing “My Aunt Tilly has fleas” over and over and no one would notice. Sometimes I can hear god laughing at me. And other times he’s giving me an atomic wedgie. What’s that? You don’t like me to talk about god in that way? Well, what way would you like me to talk about him? Okay okay…you don’t have to get all butch about it. I’ll stop. Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Oh shit Toto…we really overshot Kansas this time. I like asparagus with my Fruitloops. I am Jesus and I’m sick of bread and water. Give me a can of jolt cola and a bag of chips. I am god…pull my finger. Whoops, the god thing again. Well, I don’t give a high holy squirt up the flagpole about that. I’ll say what I want and you can’t stop me. Neener neener. I think I better go now, you people need to do some serious unclenching. And just remember…talking to your bowl of cheerios is completely normal!