(Note: This was a rant I wrote out of boredom, which I started to d a lot in high school. I believe the first draft was written senior year of high school, then re-written freshman year of college and then I made edits over the years. Of course Charlie, the “voice in my head”, had to make an appearance.)
It’s that time again. TIME TO RUN AROUND TOWN BUTT NEKKID? No…time to bitch and moan about whatever comes to mind. WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT? I’ve gotten quite good at it over the years, I must say. IT’S YOUR ONLY TALENT. People are annoying. YES, YOU ARE A STRANGE BREED. People do annoying things and it is always PISSIN’ me off, putting me in a foul mood and ruining my day. So why do they do it? They’re all out to get me. THEY HAVE MEDS FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU. What did I ever do to them? YOU WERE BORN. Shut up. WHOOO. MUST BE THAT TIME OF THE MONTH. I hate commercials… AND THEY HATE YOU. You’ve got the ones with BAD actors playing old people who’ve fallen and can’t get up. THOSE ARE THE BEST!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! “I’ve fallen….and I can’t get up….” Well what the hell do you want me to do about it lady? Someone needs to put your sorry ass in a home then. OUCH. THAT’S HARSH. Or how about those ones for diarrhea remedies. Oh yeah, now that’s something I want to watch for 30 seconds. DIARRHEA CHA CHA CHA. A couple is going horseback riding and the husband leans over and whispers to his little wifey-pooh…WIFEY-POOH? HEH, YOU SAID “POOH”. “Honey…what if my diarrhea comes back?” How the hell is she supposed to know? What is she…the Goddess of Diarrhea? ALL HAIL LADY DIARRHEA!!! Is she supposed to know all about diarrhea? YES, SHE IS, LIKE THE GOOD WIFE SHE IS. There are tv shows I can’t stand…like Gilligan’s Island. THE MILLIONAIRE…AND HIS WIFE…..THE MOOOOOOOOOVIE STAR…. Why did the Ginger, the Howells and Maryanne have so many god damn outfits? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT POOR LIKE YOU? Just how many times did they think they were gonna change their clothes on a friggin’ three hour tour? HMM…GOOD POINT. And how did the Skipper, Professor and Gilligan keep their outfits so clean and hole-free? CAUSE WHEN THE CAMERAS WERE TURNED OFF THEY WALKED AROUND BUTT NEKKID. If the Howells were so rich, why’d they take some cheesey ass boat tour? BECAUSE… And why did they bring so much money with them? UMM…UHH… And if the Professor was so damn smart how come he was able to build a radio out of a coconut, a bamboo stick, tree sap and a wire but not fix a hole in a boat? I DON’T KNOW…I DON’T KNOW…YOU’RE MAKING MY BRAIN HURT!!! How about the Brady Bunch…THEY ALL HAD HAIR OF GOLD, LIKE THEIR MOTHER, THE YOUNGEST ONE IN CURLS…. If Mike Brady was such a good architect, why was there only one bathroom in the house? MAYBE IT HAD MULTIPLE TOILETS…LINED UP IN A ROW? Six kids…three adults…one bathroom? THE FAMILY THAT PEES TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER. GET IT? PEES TOGETHER…ONE BATHROOM…I KILL ME. I’m glad that Murder She Wrote is off the air, what a god awful show that was. Didn’t it seem rather ODD that crimes always seem to happen when she’s around? IT’S JESSICA!!! ARM YOURSELVES!!! And what about horror movie sequels? WHAT ABOUT THEM? Just how many times can you kill Freddy and Jason and Michael Myers? FREDDY SEVEN TIMES, JASON NINE TIMES, AND SIX TIMES FOR MY GOOD BUDDY MICHAEL. Shoot them, stab them, impale them, decapitate them, electrocute them, poison them, drown them… REMIND ME TO NEVER PISS YOU OFF. …blow them up, run the over, hang them, cook them toast them, boil them, fry them, grill them…and they keep coming back! LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY….THEY KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING AND GOING… I’m glad I’m out of high school. I’M SURE YOUR TEACHERS FEEL THE SAME WAY. Professors don’t get on your case for talking, or leaving the classroom. THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK, TEACH. I use to hate when a teacher would say “Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?” when she caught you talking. MAYBE SHE THOUGHT YOU HAD SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY…SILLY HER. Oh right, like you’re really gonna tell her what you were saying. YOU……CHICKEN? “Ahh…well, you see Mrs. Smith…we were trying to determine whether or not you’re a product of inbreeding.” YOU HAD INBRED TEACHERS? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LIVE, ANYWAY? Or when a teacher would say “There are not stupid questions.” BUT…ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ARE STUPID, SKATTY. And the moment someone asks a remotely stupid question, the teacher rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue while shaking her head. ALL AT THE SAME TIME? SHE’S TALENTED. Do you know what else pisses me off? NO, BUT I THINK YOU’RE GONNA TELL US. Nerdy teachers pets who ask stupid questions for a brownie points. THE NERVE OF THEM. People who never study and get better grades than I do when I study. HAHA…RIGHT, LIKE YOU STUDY. People who cheat. People who fail when they cheat. People who fail open book tests. LIKE YOU? YOU FAILED AN OPEN BOOK TEST, DIDN’T YOU? Teachers who call on you when you don’t have your hand raised. Teachers who don’t call on you when you have your hand raised. LETS KILL THEM. Guys who leave the toilet seat up so when I go, I fall in. WHOOPS, SORRY. WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. People who deliver the punchline just as I gulp milk, so the milk comes out my nose. THAT’S ALWAYS FUN TO WATCH. Disgusting conversations during dinner. I HAD THE HERSHEY SQUIRTS THE OTHER DAY AND… When the President interrupts my favorite television show. THE BASTARD. When people eat all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms. YELLOW MOONS, GREEN CLOVERS, BLUE DIAMONDS… When puke comes up when you hiccup. EWWW… Coming back from swimming in the ocean with a load of sand in your bathing suit. HEH….YOU GOT A LOAD IN YOUR SHORTS. Doctors who draw smiley faces around the needle mark when they give you a shot. THEY ALWAYS DREW A BUNNY ON ME. Doctors who bend and twist your sprained ankle and when she cringe they ask it it hurt. CRINGE? YOU USED TO CRY. “No, it tickled.” What the hell kind of question in that? A SILLY ONE, I GUESS. Getting sick during vacation time. Being sick and having to watch nothing but food commercials on television. RICE-A-RONI, THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT. The last thing you want to see after pukin’ is the Hamburger Helper Hand dance across your screen. I’D MUCH RATHER WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY. HE’S ADORABLE. Going to the movies and having someone with a big head sit in front of you. LETS NOT TALK ABOUT HEADS, MISS BEACHBALL HEAD. People who sniffle throughout the whole movie. LIKE THEY’RE SUCKING POPCORN UP THEIR NOSE? People who state the obvious during the movie, “OoOoo…he’s a bad guy.” I’M BAD….BUT IN A GOOD WAY. *WINK* “Ya think? He only shot half a dozen people.” THAT’S NOTHING! ONCE I SHOT…. People who ask stupid question during a movie, “Is he dead?” HE’S DEAD, JIM. “No, it’s customary to carry a person’s limp, bleeding body when they are alive.” IT’S ONLY A FLESH WOUND. People who walk in during the middle of a movie and start asking questions. “WHY’D HE DO THAT?” “Who’s that? “WHAT HAPPENED?” “What did I miss?” Oh, I don’t know…maybe the whole damn movie! OoOoo…YOU SAID DAMN. OoOooOo….I SAID DAMN. OOoOoOo…I SAID IT AGAIN. Toys of today like dolls that pee, poop, throw up and burp. DOO DOO BROWN. Finding soap at the bottom of the bathtub. WITH HAIR ON IT. Being caught in traffic and having to pee. TINKLE TINKLE. Going to the bathroom to find that it’s out of toilet paper. CAN YOU SAY “SKID MARKS?” Asking a parent or teacher how to spell a word and they tell you to look it up. SPELL DOG. How the hell am I supposed to look up a word if I don’t know how to spell it? YOU’RE STUPID. I hate when I go to the bathroom and the stall I’m in is out of toilet paper. THEN WHAT DO YOU WIPE YOURSELF WITH? YOUR HANDS? EWWWW….SKATTY’S GOT POOPY HANDS!!! When people ask a question and then answer it themself. WHY WOULD PEOPLE DO THAT? CAUSE THEY’RE STUPID. People who answer your question with a question. Why do people do this? YOU THINK THEY LIKE TO DO THIS? I hate when I forget where I put the cordless phone. NORMAL PEOPLE WOULD HANG IT UP. I hate being put on hold and have to listen to the corny ass elevator music. KENNY G…A BOLD CHOICE. I hate call waiting. YOU HATE A LOT, DON’T YOU? I hate coming back from call waiting to find myself on call waiting. YOU KNOW, YOU’RE STARTING TO GET ANNOYING. I hate starting a conversation with someone and then realize that I have the wrong number. YOU DO THAT? YOU ARE SUCH A DORK. I hate when people ask me how my weekends was… NOW YOU’RE GETTING PICKY. …and after I tell them all about it they say, “Oh sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” MAYBE YOU BORED THEM TO SLEEP. I hate those religious survey telephone recordings… DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? Isn’t he that guy who created the world in six days and partied on the seventh? DO YOU ATTEND CHURCH ON A WEEKLY BASIS? Uhh…those big buildings with the cross on it, right? DO YOU PRAY DAILY? Prayers? Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? What’s a prayer? JUST LEAVE YOUR NAME… Damion Lucifer. AND ADDRESS… 4 Satan’s Way. Inferno, NJ 13666 YA KNOW, YOU’RE GONNA GO TO HELL NOW.