(Note: Below was the introduction I used on my website many, many years ago. Of course Charlie, the “voice in my head”, made an appearance.)
Jónapot! GESUNDHEIT! Shut up, Charlie. NO. Yes. HMM…NO. Come On. I’m trying to do my greeting here, leave me be. *SNIFFLE* YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE. That’s right, I don’t. And never did. WAHHH!!! Oh stop it. You don’t even care. OH, WELL…THAT’S TRUE. Anyway…My name is Skatty and welcome to my little home on the web, it’s lovely, isn’t it? NO. Oh I know it is, I just want to hear you all say it. UHH…NO. IT’S NOT. I live in New Jersey. Exciting, no? NO. You can find out more on my “About Skatty” page. I’M A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE UNDER THE POLAR ICE CAP AND I NEED A KLEENEX! Charlie? YES? Didn’t I tell you to be quiet? NO. Yes, I believe I did. NO, YOU DIDN’T. YOU SAID “SHUT UP”, NOT “BE QUIET”! Knock it off now. FINE! Okay…as I was saying… IF I PULL THIS SWITCH I’LL BE RITA HAYWORTH! OR A SCIENTOLOGIST! Charlie! YES DEAR? Will you please go away? UMMM…NO. I said please. YES, I SAW THAT. THAT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU. Well, now I’m going to tell you…go away! YOU FORGOT TO SAY PLEASE THAT TIME. That’s it! I’m ignoring you. NO YOU’RE NOT. Yes, I am. NO…YOU’RE NOT. IF YOU WERE IGNORING ME, YOU WOULDN’T BE TALKING TO ME. Grrr. GRRRRRRR. Charlie! Just be quiet for a few minutes and let me finish this…PLEASE! OHH….ALRIGHT. Anyway…as I was saying… *HICCUP* Charlie! WHAT? I CAN’T *HICCUP* CONTROL *HICCUP* MY *HICCUP* HICCUPS! Hold your breath…for a looooooooong time. I’M GETTING THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU DON’T LIKE ME. I don’t. OK, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. YOU MAY CONTINUE… Thank you. Now… HOW CAN YOU USE MY INTESTINES AS A GIFT? Damnit Charlie! I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT…I THINK IT CAME FROM THE FILLINGS IN MY REAR MOLARS. Grrrr! DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE VERY UGLY WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY? Damnit Charlie! OoOoOoOo…YOU SAID A BAD WORD! POTTY MOUTH! Leave me alone and let me finish this okay? ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! I CAN TAKE A HINT. Okay… I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING ABOUT A TOAD! Charlie! SORRY! You can contact me via email, AIM (NJ Skatty), or ICQ (17423339). DO YOU LIKE TENDER VITTLES? Alright! That’s it! I’m leaving! OKAY. JUST WALK ALONG AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT YOUR INTESTINES BEING ALMOST TWENTY YARDS LONG!! Twenty yards?!?!? What am I, an elephant? YOU SAID IT, I DIDN’T. Asshole. POTTY MOUTH.